The Journal Entries
Feb. 8th, 2007 01:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shankieSo, I have decided to put this up. I think it's a little disturbing, because of it's tone and content; Wally uses no contractions, and it makes his writing almost childlike. I don't know why he doesn't use contractions, that's just how he writes. He also wants anyone that does read it to know that it makes him sound very angry all the time, but that he's not really. And he doesn't hate Mister Gardner anymore because he got to kick his ass since then.
The entries start at the first page of his book, which isn't actually an entry, cuts off a little while after he was allowed to speak again, then picks back up again the day Clark joins Vengeance and ends just after the events of "Again Aboard The Sword of Athena" in the last installment.
The one part that makes me weepy is when he writes about the whore, strangely enough.
This not strictly a part of The Pirates of Vengeance, and if all the gritty details of Wally's enslavement aren't something you like reading, and I can hardly blame you, there's no real need to read this. But if you haven't read that first I can see how this might not make total sense.
Wally's Journal at Sea
~
I will obey.
I will defend my Master's property.
I will not allow my Master's property to be handled without his permission.
I will not lie to my Master, nor seek to undermine his will.
These are the rules I have been given.
~
In my silence, my Master has been good enough to allow me the comfort of writing, and has indeed insisted upon it as a command. I have little understanding of why he finds it a needful thing, but he sees fit to explain very little to me.
Where before my place was as others, a hand to work among the men, my work has much changed. I find that this bondage has, thus far, not been upleasant, though it has been but days. He is particular in matters of dress, of the keeping of his berth, and of the copying and writing of documents and correspondences. These have been my duties, to learn and to perform as best I will.
I no longer find myself in any fear at all, where once I could barely look up to his gaze or rest easily in the night. In this, I must admit that the desire held after my rescue, that I might come to be possessed as a thing to be cared for, has been thusly fulfilled.
Would that I had any honour to defend, I would find myself ashamed. But I am not burdened by the dictates of a man's honour, as I have never been. I find a liberty in this.
~
I was a slave before, and a slave now, and Mister Free has assured me no man will treat me any differently. Despite his words in their honesty, it was only the relation of his own experience that left me to believe this. No man or woman held aboard Vengeance has ever had the misfortune of the articles being violated against their person.
I believe also in his words, as my own experience in my new service has granted me no alteration of my treatment by the men.
I am very grateful for this.
~
My Master has read my few entries at his request, and asked that I continue my marking of notable things along with my past. He has never asked of me what it was that occurred aboard the Black Widow, nor any other detail of my servitude, and I again find this curious, but I will do as best I may.
I do not know my name, nor do I know my age, though I have reckoned I may be older than sixteen and younger than twenty. I do not know if Wally was my given name by my esteemed parents, but it is all I can remember being called, save a man who named me Nico for my time in his service.
My earliest memory is of my esteemed mother, though I do not know where it was. I believe that I may once have been of a family of some means. I do know that I was sent aboard a vessel to go to England and joined my esteemed father there, and that I never arrived.
I have better knowledge of the way of things now, and do understand better what happened than at that time. Our vessel was beset, and I recall death, seeing it for the first time then. It was not pirates, but kidnappers. I do not know what country they came from, only that I could not understand their words, and they had dark faces. I had then believed they were demons, and I remember being very afraid.
Other children from the captured vessel came aboard the slaver's ship, and by grace of Luck, I was not set to join their ranks to be sold. I was kept aboard and did work for them. I remember no more than this. Only the understanding that I was now a servant, and to live I must work and be silent.
My memory becomes more vivid to recall when I was sent aboard another vessel. Perhaps traded or sold, but these matters were not revealed to me. The slavers were not kind, but they also paid me no heed when I was obediant. These men were different. I could understand them, and speak with them. They found this to be disagreeable.
On my first day, I dared to ask one of the men where I was, and when I would be allowed to return home, now that I knew I could be understood. I was taken to a spot in the crew's berth where a blanket had been folded and told that this was now my home. The man then held me down upon it, and gave me my first beating with his belt, and I remember the hate in his eyes.
I find myself unable to continue writing any more today.
~
My Master has again read of my words, and though he made no comment of it to me, he appeared to find it distressing. He is a very fair Master, and I should count myself lucky, and I do. He has asked me to be honest, and said that I will not be punished for anything I write, and so it is now that I express that with my peace of mind comes anger. I recall these things he has asked me to, and along with these memories are of coming to know that there was no hope I would ever return home.
Part of me has grown to hate my Master in his representation of this truth to this very day. I have never liked being told what I might and might not do. But I know that there is nothing he could do to repair that this is my apparent fate, and the rest of me loves him that he would grant me measures of kindness in it.
He allows me to read his many books when I have not been called to some other task, and he has asked if I am comfortable. He gave me a rope bed when he saw I was still resting on the boards, does allow me a spirit ration, and I have never eaten of better food. I am very happy.
I do vow I will obey him, and as such, I will continue my story as best I may.
I believe that this vessel I had come to was a merchant vessel, as I often saw loading and unloading of goods at many ports, but her name is another thing lost to my knowledge. I quickly learned that I would be ignored if I was to not ask the many questions I carried on these matters, as they were more often than not answered by a belt. I was still a boy then, and thought such a beating to be the most terrible thing I could endure, but I do know it is not an uncommon thing to whip disobedient boys. This I was often told.
I was perhaps there a year, and was traded to a privateer out of London that was to seek his fortunes along the Spanish coast. I remember this because I recall my anger at only being worth the price of a chart. I also remember that London, what little I had seen of it, was an amazing place. I had never imagined so many people would be in one place!
It was only later in my life that I came to understand that there was a difference between pirates and privateers, as the crew he assembled was very much like whispered stories of barbarism. They were not kind or gentle men, but they held the honour to each other above all else, as it was all that would keep them in this world in their work.
I saw many horrors aboard that vessel, which I believe was called the Blue Rose, if my memory of this time is correct. None of these horrors, however, were ever visited onto me, as I was the cabin boy, and the men sought to protect me in their plunderous acts.
They taught me how to fight, and although I was a slave and thusly not to be granted any shares of plunder, the men would see I had everything I needed. I was now given the same rations as the ship’s men and I very much enjoyed their company. I belonged to the ship, not to the Captain. This much was made clear to me. Thusly I was defended as strongly as her boards, and it was thought best I be able to aid them in this work by learning to defend myself as well.
I was not able to read, but I had seen the Captain's man Mister Allen did, and it had his own worth of it. He did not fight, and was a cultured man who found the company of the crew disagreeable. In time, he began to call me to his side in battle, and asked me what my thoughts were of it. It had been the first time anyone was interested in what I might have to say or think in my recollection, and I did immediately find myself fond of him.
I believe he was also fond of me. My response to his inquiry was something of finding it a spectacle of the nature of men to be brutal when allowed to unleash it, and that in my experience, humble as it was, all men were capable of it, as all men were also capable of goodness. He told me that it was an insight he did not expect from an illiterate boy, and offered that he might teach me to read and write, which I heartily accepted. I believe it was more a thing to occupy his time than a kindness to me, but I accepted it as such.
The Rose was very successful in her exploits, for some time, and I believe we were at sea there for a few years because I could remember that Mister Allen invited me to a small celebration of his birthday with the Captain three times in a stay at a house along the French coast that belonged to the Captain. These brief stays were the longest time I ever had on land, to this day, perhaps a week at a time.
In time, however, few prizes were found, and the crew sought fortune elsewhere. The Captain decided to sell his ship and cut his losses, and I was sold along with it to merchants carrying silk from the Orient. I believe Mister Allen was unhappy with this, but I would not presume for a man of means to concern himself with a slave. He treated me well, and I am grateful for that.
It is late now, and I have been asked to rise early in the morning.
~
I have been unable to write for some days. I was injured in the defense of Vengeance while set at Happy Harbour; a few men of no ship sought to overcome the small number aboard, and I was forced to defend my Master's cabin and property. I cut down two men before Mister Jones returned to my aid, and it was lucky, as the third had cut me across the arm and I would have surely fallen.
My Master was very pleased with this action, and gifted me with days of rest and a translation of The Odyssey into English he purchased from a bookseller. It is a lovely volume, and I have very much enjoyed the reading of it in my recovery.
~
We have taken aboard a Mister Gardner, and I very much dislike him. The other men have been careful to pay little heed that I have been ordered not to speak, but he finds sport in tormenting me with it. It has been nearly three weeks now, and I became used to silence. He drives me mad with it now.
~
I had forgotten that I must continue with my history, and have been reminded.
I was still aboard the Blue Rose, but now for much less exciting work. Perhaps this is a wrongness to speak, but I would have liked for an attack so I could again hold a sword. But I was, as always, never to be armed, and no circumstances came that would have for some brief allowance of it.
I was still a boy then, but had grown to be taller and had curious growths of hair, and I suppose it was then I was to be looked upon as more than merely the cabin boy. It was now that I was told I could have some appeal of my body. I did not understand this. It was not until I was cornered by the first mate and begged to know what it was he wanted from me that I came to realize I had a useful tool on my hands.
I did not understand, but I allowed him what he wanted, and he returned that by granting me another blanket to make my place more comfortable. When he came again, I asked him to teach me what I would do that could make it easier, as I found it as painful as a lash that first time. The second was much more pleasurable, and I learned that this tool could also be of use to me in being some enjoyable thing when I had nothing.
I learned since then these things would be hideous and sinful, wicked things, and I am a wicked thing for such indulgence of it. But I am slave, and slaves have no pride to defend. I could do as I willed, within the boundaries of my Master's allowances, and could find no judgment in it save the quality of my service. I found this very liberating.
Aboard the Blue Rose, it became known that I had a welcoming bed in return for a gift to add comforts to my sparse life. I did not object to this, as I soon gained many good things. I was allowed a spirit ration, for the first time in my life, and eventually a proper canvas bed. It was some time before I could comfortably sleep in it, so used to rolling about on the boards like an unlashed barrel.
I also gained my first book of my own, a worn Bible, which I read, but was never told that I should believe. It is illegal to own a Christian, and thusly I have been but a wicked heathen, but I have no fear of their Hell. I did not learn much of it until I was grown, and I suppose this is why. I do not know where it is I go when I die, but I would imagine it will be the sea, as I have seen so many men before me go.
~
I have been beaten for fighting with Mister Gardner. I did not speak, as it has now been so long that I have no longer the compulsion at all, so I was spared any further punishment. It hardly is painful now, but a sting that itches and burns maddeningly. I was not beaten with a cat as I have been, nor a cane, but a long curious thing that looked vicious and alive in my Master's hands, and thundered about me before it would strike.
It felt nothing like pains I have suffered, but I am more terrified of it than any before. I have been silent but disobedient, always pushing to find the edges of my freedom, but now I will content myself to obedience. I must find a way. He is fair, but he is very capable of ensuring my behaviour, and I know this more dearly now than I would ever like.
I do not like to think of it, and so I will think back again.
The men of the Blue Rose, especially those few that would indulge themselves in my wicked company, thought it would be marvelous sport to buy me a woman while set in port. She was fair to look upon, but I had little time to see the grace of a woman's presence, and may a poor judge of beauty. Regardless, I did think she was lovely, with curling gold hair and a round face.
I would have preferred that they not find spectacle in it, but even so, it was my time laying with a lady. She was very kind, and saw I did not know what to do with her, showing me pleasantly.
I do not know her name, but I think of her fondly.
~
It has been now a month that I have been in my slavery to my Master the Captain of Vengeance. He told me this today while I was being shown how to properly clean his fine weapons.
We landed today, but I was not allowed to go ashore, and as I am silent, I was not able to beg. I would have. I dearly love the land, for what little time I have spent on a surface that was not rocking about in waves. But I could not say these things, and thusly I raged.
There is no rule that I might not fight against my Master if it has not been ordered I not. I realized this in a opening this book today, and thusly, I fought him.
He won, of course, and chained me to his bed, and had me for his pleasure. It was the first time since my first night as his servant, and it was very pleasant. I hated him in that moment, but he is my Master, and I am slave. I understand it no further than that. It makes it very easy to take pleasure in his own, and I had been longing for such sin again. I know that makes me a wicked thing, but I have no shame in it.
~
I have again forgotten to continue in my recollections, and I will now remedy it, as today there is dead sail, and nothing else to do.
I was sold to another merchant who was a friend of the Rose's Captain and needed a trustworthy valet on short notice. He had no mind that I was unskilled, only that I would obey him, and the Captain assured him I would. I was surprised by this, because I have never been an obedient thing to the degree my owners would have liked. I had no time to even claim my possessions before my new home set sail, and was informed that I was a slave and could own nothing, and thusly I returned to my sparse life.
My new owner was Spanish, and had a curious order that my name was now Nico. I disliked this very much, and he had me beaten when I argued the matter.
Thusly, my name was Nico.
He was a Catholic very devoutly, and was pleased that I could recite verses from the Bible. He would often have me do it as he taught me the duties of a gentleman's manservant, which were very different from the hauling and cleaning I had mostly been doing before. I was not yet fully grown, so I had to stand on a little stool to adjust his hair with powder when he went ashore, or dust his hat, as he was a tall man. This was not the case for much longer, but I did not grow to be as big as other men.
I asked the Captain why this was, and he said that it was likely I hadn't been given enough meat as a boy. I told him this seemed likely, as I mostly had eaten gruel, except when I had served the privateer and often was given mutton.
During this time, I learned to sew finer than most sailors do, how to write letters by his dictation, how to shave, and properly dress a gentleman. After some months at sea he asked me if it was true that some men would take pleasure in their servants to ease the distance from one's wife. I told him that I had been used to that end often, and thusly he began to do so himself.
He made very strange noises when he had me, and I often had to struggle against laughing at him, as he would have been surely angered by it. It was very much as if I was wrestling with some sea-bird, and I am now laughing to think of the faces he would make.
Many of the crewmembers were very jealous that I had been given gifts and privileges by the Captain, despite being only a slave. They were of a great wealth to me, but I often gave them up to avoid their anger. They had no want for books, so those became my more treasured possessions, and the only thing I would ever ask for. One night they came and demanded I give them gold earrings I had been given, and I defended myself against them.
They did not know I could fight, and I did not know if I could remember how, but I did, and I bested them. The Captain was very angry that I had done this, and I was beaten again. It was very bad, and I was unable to work for some time, but I was thenafter given an ample spirit ration by the Captain to ease the pain. He said to me that there was a poison in me because I was just a filthy heathen, and I suppose that may be true.
I like to think that I had a choice in the matter of becoming wicked.
Strangely, the men of the vessel did not treat me as before. I had bested them, and they seemed very happy about it, and they called me by my name, even if it was only a temporary name. They had not before and I liked this. I was never threatened again, and they taught me their dice games. I had nothing to gamble with, but I was told gambling was not allowed on the ship, and they merely used chips of wood for the purpose of sport, which was allowed.
It was a very pleasant time.
~
I was going to fight with Mister Gardner again today, but Mister Free and Mister Jones caught me in their arms and told me that they would not have me beaten again for his sake. I relented, but I am very angry. I have screamed many wordless screams in my anger, and it has now been so long I wonder if I will be slow to remember how to form words again. I suppose I will, it seems now that I have never been able to speak, even though I can recall that I have, and know I am capable of it.
When I am again allowed to speak, the first thing I will do is tell Mister Gardner exactly how I feel about him. They will not be pleasant words, and I look forward to them.
My Master has begun to have me in his bed with some regularity, and I am glad for it. I enjoy it very much, even when he is angry and takes it out with a measure of brutality on me. I will see he has a mind to fight, and fight him, and it will become both conflict and pleasure, and it is not disagreeable.
I am not ashamed in the least to admit I take great pleasure in fighting him.
But I will again return to the past.
I had found my place with the men of the Lamierina, which was my Spanish master's vessel. I once asked him why a Spanish Captain had an English crew, and he told me not to ask him questions anymore, so I never knew.
After the Lamierina, I was sold to the Gray Vandal, a nobleman's vessel that sailed in warm waters. I was surrounded by lovely African girls, but I was not allowed to touch them or speak to them, and I did serve many purposes there. Mostly I cleaned things, and aided in serving guests. It was very dull work, except for the wonderful views I would have of lovely girls and fine ladies, and even for it, I was very happy when we were beset.
Pirates raided, and it was discovered few of the guards aboard had any skill with a blade. I was able to fight again, stealing a weapon from a fallen man and taking great pleasure in my part of repelling the boarders. They had no guns, and seemed a poor lot, and were thusly sent on their way.
I was commended for my act, and I asked if I could be rewarded with my freedom. I was laughed at and chained on the stern. The Captain gave me a bottle of wine, which I drank to drown the sorrow of my place. To fight had heated my blood, and I longed for some kind of liberation from my menial work.
I was not aboard the Vandal long; a Captain Park had been aboard during my escapade, and bought me for a farthing. I believe because I had asked for my freedom, and the men were afraid I would fight to gain it. At that time, I would have.
I was told that freeing slaves was unheard of, especially as I had had no contract to fill, and I am ashamed to admit I wept for it.
~
I have again been prevented from fighting Mister Gardner. He made horrid distasteful remarks to me. I am a slave, but I am not an animal, and I will not be treated as such. Never again. My Master doesn't treat me as one, and if he does not, no-one else has any such right. This I am unwilling to be moved in.
My Master has begun to speak to me for more than mere orders, and I have enjoyed it, even if I cannot reply. I believe I will be allowed to speak soon because of it. He is an amazing man, and I am humbled by him. He speaks to me, I believe, because he knows his words to me will not be repeated, and I do vow I will say nothing I have not been given leave to. I wish to keep this privilege of his words, which are insightful and have taught me much of what it is to captain a vessel, his unhindered opinions on the quality of the men, of history, and of the politics of dry land.
When I am able to speak again, I hope I will be allowed to ask him questions about dry land, for I have many. It has now been two months, according to my Master today, which also makes me hopeful my voice would be granted again, that he has not forgotten I am able to speak.
I would be angry about it, and I have been a great many times, but I remind myself that he is fair. That my words caused death, and thusly have been taken away, and it is a small punishment.
~
I have been putting off any more writing, but I have been urged to continue, and so I will.
I was sold to the Crazy Horse, and I was glad of it. I was allowed to spar with her men, as her Captain was afraid of pirates, and I found my main purpose in being there was to be a weapon. I did not mind this. I felt very powerful and fearsome, and took great pleasure in causing terror in the free men aboard. I hated them because they were free, and being paid, and would be able to leave as they willed. And so I would fight with them, and the Captain encouraged it, so I had my sport in this time.
Her Boatswain was a Catholic, and I told him that I knew Bible verses, remembering what it had gained me with my Spanish master. It worked well again, and he began to seek out my company.
I was not, however, seeking his; I became quickly enamoured with the Captain's daughter, as she came aboard, and she became the center of my little world.
Miss Park was very cultured, but she had been raised in the country, as her mother was of the Orient and uncomfortable in European society. I did not understand what she meant by that, and thusly I did learn about what the wealthy do on land. It was fascinating. It was also the reason she would ever speak to me, I was told later by the Captain her father. That she did not know any better.
I was advised against so much contact with her, even though the thought of sin with her was unimaginable. She was pure and chaste and I would have no part of any alteration of it. The Captain did not believe me, because I was a slave and a heathen, and thus he said I could only be full of lies. He was my master then, and so I had to obey him, or be punished. Often I chose to disobey and be lashed, but I thought my small rebellions worth it to the easing of my mind.
Even for my disobedience, I had far fewer times we would speak. And so I began to grow closer to the Boatswain. In time, I told him that I had been a lustful thing, and had grown to the appeal of other men in my earlier years. I will admit that I fully intended it to be a seduction, as I longed to read again and prove that I still could to myself, and he had books. I did not understand that he might lend them without some service to him.
I knew very little about the way of things, I do understand that now.
For exactly one month, the Boatswain and I were lovers, and I taught him how to sin pleasantly. We were often in the poor-smelling hold, but I did not mind. I enjoyed this very much, as I have always enjoyed my wickedness. But not so much as the rare moments of Miss Park's company.
After that time, however, the Boatswain told me that he wanted nothing more of my sin, and that he was deeply ashamed. I told him I was sorry, even though I had no same understanding of those things, and fully admitted to him that I was a wicked creature. I had thought that would be the end of the matter.
I would write no more tonight.
~
Mister Gardner is locked in the hold. Unfortunately, it is within earshot of the place I have been allowed to call my own, and I must listen mutely to his protestation. I cannot sleep for it, and I am very tempted to beat him over the head until he is silent. But I have been ordered that I should not touch him, and so I listen and can do nothing.
It is his own doing. He tried to hit my Master in a drunken state, and I have been made very aware that I am the only soul aboard that is allowed to do such things without swift reprisal. I find this a curious state of things, but I have no quarrel with it.
He has said to me that Mister Gardner will be hanged, if that is the crew's will. I hate him, but I have no desire for him to die. If I were allowed to vote in their deciding of such matters, I would find myself forced to ask for leniency.
Even if, at this very moment, he is now explaining to me that my mother was a pig, and thusly did a stupid animal come out. He knows that makes me angrier than anything, and I am red with my anger. But I would not have him die for my anger, nobody else will ever do that. I will die first.
I do not understand why he treats me so. I have seen that he is not an evil man.
~
My Master is very distressed by the matter of Mister Gardner, although he is very careful to hide it in the presence of anyone else. It is now often he acts as if I am not even in the room, even if I have been ordered to be there by him and he will later call on me for some task. He will ignore me for his obvious distressed thinking, leave me in a chain so that I have no thoughts of going anywhere, and then command me to his pleasure. He did this many times in these past days.
I have never had a Master such as he, and I find there are many times that I am thankful for his mercy, even if I now long to speak again, and I am angry that I cannot.
~
The crew has decided that Mister Gardner will be stripped of all his earnings from plunder, and be set ashore at Happy Harbour to find some other vessel to sail upon. We are now on our way there, and I greatly hope that I will be able to see Mister Garrick again.
My Master was very annoyed that I have not continued with my story, and I suppose I must.
I had been enjoying my time aboard the Crazy Horse very much, sparring and aiding the steward's cleaning during the day, and finding sport at night. It was discovered I was fleet of foot, and the men would often try to outrun me. They all failed, and I was very proud of it.
The Boatswain was torn by his sin with me, however, and I believe his faith had begun worrying a hole in his mind. He began to hate me, and was the most spiteful of me aboard. Which was a thing to say, as even when I found some measure of place with the men, I was always a slave, and it was always remembered. They knew they had no fears from jibing words to me, or sport at my expense, but these were things I could fight against, and fighting always made my burdens easier. I was never punished for that by the Captain, and there was often a man or two aboard wearing bruises I had given them.
I am attempting to draw myself away from the subject and hand, and that is a cowardly thing, and so I must remember.
I found myself accused of attempting to tarnish Miss Park's chastity, and was beaten with the cat before the men. I had never been whipped so much as then and it was terrible. I was then thrown into the hole, and I was not fed. It was much worse than the beating had been, and I found myself quite unable to stay awake for very long.
I have been beaten many times, and I have always deserved them, and so they were easy to take. All but once before, when I had not yet grown to understand I was a slave. I do not think I had deserved that, either. I am very angry to remember these things.
I never saw Miss Park again. I did not spend much more time there, as I was given away to a slave ship.
That was a very terrible time, and I do not have any wish to write on it.
~
Mister Gardner is gone now.
And I have been given fine clothes! I have never worn such things, and I had no recognition of my own reflection. I have grown strong again, and I am kept very clean because my Master wishes it, and he shares his fine meals with me. It has made look very strange to my own eyes in this silk and cotton, but not unpleasantly. I look upon myself and am proud of what I see and it is a marvel. I do not think I ever have before when it was not in celebration of some victory in conflict.
I was often told that I was appealing to look upon, but I have never believed it before this day.
I am to go ashore with him presently, and serve him in his business. I am wearing a locked collar with his standard on it, so that I might not run or be able to hide from being drawn back to him here if I did, but I have no desire to run. I will never be able to escape what I have done, and so running would be futile.
~
I had no time for writing in our week at the Harbour, and spent it all ashore. My Master had a fine room that I was allowed to sleep in at the foot of his bed, which was larger than jollyboat! Perhaps not. But I have never seen such things! It has become clear to me that my Master is the richest man I have ever heard of, and I wonder if he is a king. I will have to ask when I am allowed to speak again.
He spent a great deal of time merely in conference with other captains. I have been repeatedly assured to be a trusted servant, and so I hear many things. But I have been told that I must not write them down. But I have never been so trusted, and it is well.
My fine clothes were taken away the moment we came aboard. I was at first very disappointed, but then I realized my poor rags were far more practical for the heat of the Indies, and now I do not mind.
~
My Master has said that I need not write much of my time aboard the Black Widow, but he would know what it is they did to me. I will answer as best I can.
They did not use me sexually, a thing of which I am eternally grateful, for all of it. I would hate to think my one source of reliable enjoyment would be taken away by such memories. I have heard of it happening to other men on ships. But I have never allowed myself to be unwilling. I do remember feeling very helpless and being afraid of this.
They would beat me with their belts like a boy, because it would not be so quick to draw blood, and they could do it for longer, and more frequently. At first, they would tie me to the mast on a tether, so that I might run about it, and chase me about with their slave whips. But I had been given very little to eat, and I was very weak, and it was not long before I could not run and would merely fall on the deck and deprive them of their sport. So they chained me in a cabin and would often visit to beat me in anger. And I stayed there like that until I was rescued.
That is all I would say.
~
My Master has been too busy to pay me any attention, and I wonder again if he has forgotten I know how to speak. I want to cry with my frustration, but when I try to get his attention he becomes vexed, and there is nothing I can do. I do not want to be beaten again, and I do not want to make him angry. I enjoy fighting him, but I do not enjoy those things.
I have been allowed to join in the raids, and I have been allowed to spar with other men when they ask me. My Master has been teaching me to better myself with a blade, and has told me that I am an excellent swordsman. It is the only kind word he's ever given me, and I have been shamefully proud of myself for it.
~
Five of the men have died of fever! The crew is beset by fear of it, and times are very bad. More are ill, too many to launch into battle, and so we've taken no prizes.
I am very glad my Master is a wealthy man. I have no fear that I will be sold, because I have heard too many of my Master's secrets. That I would be able to write of them! I had no idea he was such a man, and I am often in great awe of all he commands and knows.
~
I am allowed to speak!
In the previous days, two more men died, but the rest became well, and we have set about to finding some prize to appease the anxious crew. He took this writing and had read my words on the events of the Black Widow, and then told me I was again allowed to talk so that he might ask me questions.
I am overcome with joy, and my throat is sore for all the talking and shouting I have done this day. Many of the crew found this to be amusing, and some had no knowledge I could speak at all and were very surprised!
He asked me very strange questions. What my dreams are like at night, if I knew the names of any of my past owners aside what I have written, and if I had ever been permanently marked as a slave. He has asked that I now include my dreams in this writing, and I told him that I have not recalled my dreams for some time, beyond that they are unpleasant. That I did not know any of their names, and that I have never been branded or tattooed. He has seen my body, and I asked him why this was not apparent to him, and he did tell me that I heal remarkably well, and he has seen such marks vanish from being seen for what they are. I asked him much about this, until he became weary of my curiosity in the matter of scars.
He then asked me if I would like to be tattooed, and has told me of an artist aboard the Emerald Flame that would do me justice. I believe that was a compliment, and I took it as such. I have already been pierced in my ears and on my chest, from the jewelry I was given years before, and he has given me more. I told him I would very much like to be tattooed, and this is true.
I think that he may be doing this as a kindness, but I am unsure. Perhaps he wants his slave to be decorative, as I often seem to be used in the privacy of his berth. I do not think I mind, if that is true. I have grown to like the idea of my own beauty, as I have seen myself become since in my Master's service. I have become very proud.
I also was able to ask him if he was a king. He said he was not, but I am not allowed to write of who he is here. He thought my question was very amusing, and did laugh before he answered me. I am very glad that he did, and it gives me hope that he will not take my voice away again. We did talk for many hours, and he answered every question I did ask.
It has left me very tired, and I was at first disappointed he did not desire my company, but now I am thankful to be allowed to sleep.
~
Very strange things! We had sailed to the north, and were in port in New York, and my Master did take me ashore and have my image taken in my fine clothes. I do not understand, and he is unwilling to explain this.
I saw fine ladies and cobbled streets and many lovely buildings while ashore. We are presently staying at a marvelous suite of rooms, and I am again amazed by his wealth. I believe he could buy anything! I do not usually bring my books with me when we go ashore, but this time he has asked me to. I believe we will be here for some time, and the crew is very happy here, so it is well.
~
My Master has taken me to see a play! I have read them, but I have never seen actors in their costumes playing them on a painted stage, and I found it very amusing. I do not remember what it was called, but I did laugh often, and I believe he enjoyed it, too.
A Mister Pennyworth has joined us. He is a surgeon and has been a solider and is very cultured. My Master is trying to convince him to join our crew, and I do hope he will agree. I have learned many amazing things about my Master from their conversations, but I have been told I might not write them down.
~
I have been hoping that the mystery of my image being taken would be explained, but my Master received a message today, and thusly we have left New York and are sailing home. The crew is anxious to take a prize and I am anxious to fight. I have never liked to be idle.
Mister Pennyworth has now joined the ship, and brought his many books with him. I have asked him if I might read them, and he has said I may, and I do very much like him.
~
I have seen a marvelous sight!
My Master has many allies, and I have learned of another, a princess and a warrior at once! She came aboard from her lovely vessel of lady pirates, and was very beautiful. I found myself quite unable to speak in her presence, and was very glad that it was not needful as they were both very taken on matters I cannot write on in their delicacy.
She treats me as one would a child, but I have no quarrel to it. I have never been so fondly treated, and can only smile to think on it. My Master has explained to me in her lands it the way of things, men would be deferent to women, and receive such affection in return. I find this quite amazing, and I would ask more on it, but I believe it would be unwise.
~
My Master has read again of this writing, and has told me he would never punish me for asking questions, on the understanding that he will merely ignore them if he has no wish to answer them. I find this both a good thing, and rather maddening.
I do not like being ignored.
~
Jumping forward about two years...
~
We have taken aboard a very strange man! He has dark hair and I think he is very impressive. He is a forced man to my Master's service, and I do not know what he will do here. He is a Navy man, and I think he will be quite unwilling to serve pirates.
My Mistress has gone home again, and I do hope we will visit her there during this season. I find her home very pleasant.
~
Very strange things! My Master has had the forced man lay with me against his will. I do not understand this. It was not unpleasant though I found it difficult. He did threaten to kill me again, but I do not think he would have. I like to believe I have become useful to him, and he would not be able to afford to.
I did ask him why he had done this, and he told me that Navy men must be dealt with like beasts. I do not think the man is a beast, and I did tell my Master this, but I do not think he spends much time on my words.
We are soon to set port at Happy Harbour, and I am very glad. It has been promised that I will be given another tattoo, and I am very glad of it.
~
The forced man's name is Mister Kent and I like him very much. I have offered that he might stay with me in my little home, and he has. It has been very enjoyable.
I do not think he understands what slaves are.
~
I have fought with my Master over the matter of my tattoo. We did not stay at the Harbour and I did not meet with Mister Rayner. It was a foolish thing, but it did anger me. I have become very proud and I am very foolish. We fought, and he had me for his pleasure, and I did lose my anger in it.
~
We have put ashore to hull Vengeance, and I find these tropical islands very nice. I am able to do as I will most of the day, as my Master is concerned with matters of great delicacy. I did ask my Master if it was a violation of my rules that I might kiss Mister Kent, as I have never before found the compulsion when I have not been set to my Master's pleasure. I am a wicked thing, and I suppose this is why. He has told me that I may, but that is all. He did laugh when he said this, and I felt very foolish, but I am very glad of it just the same.
~
We have taken a slave ship, and I was glad to fight her crew and be some part of freeing her captives.
Mister Kent did ask me to speak of my history, and another time I did tell it. I find myself very fond of him and I believe he is fond of me. I also believe he found my story distressing. I did tell him that it would only be some other way if not like this, and I do hope he is not burdened by it. I do not understand why he has such concern for a slave, but I have no quarrel with his affections.
~
I have been set to Mister Kent's pleasure, and it was very pleasant. I am glad that he was willing and still wanting to be in my wicked company, as he is a very noble man. He tells me that he only wishes that I serve his pleasure when I want it. I do not think he understands that I am a wicked thing and I always do.
I have very strange feelings when I look upon Mister Kent.
My Master has told me that we will be serving matters of great delicacy, and then we will be joining my Mistress! I am very glad.
~
My Master has read of this writing for the first time in quite a long while, and he seems to find my words amusing. I do not understand this. I asked him, and he ignored me, so I fought him and he had me for his pleasure.
We are going ashore to Santiago, and I have been told I will be allowed to fight. I am very glad, and I look forward to it. My Master will be handling matters of great delicacy and I will be served to this purpose. I look forward to this as well.
~
Very amazing things!
I did fight and did win, and was wounded in this. I spent much of my time ashore sleeping with laudanum, but I was tired, and I did not find this disagreeable. We served our matters of delicacy as well, and as we prepared to depart, we were beset!
Mister Kent's Captain did come with his men, and they did attack us. My Master and Mister Kent and Mister Free did keep the men away and I was able to fight as well. It was very exciting and I very much enjoyed it. I did believe that we would die, but we were rescued, and we did destroy my Master's house as we escaped.
Mister Kent is very burdened by these things, and it is a burden to me because of it. I do not understand this. But I am fond of him, and would like him to be happy. I believe I adore him. We are soon to my Mistress and her lands, and thusly I am very happy.
~
Mister Kent has said he loves me! I do not understand this! I do know that I have loved him, but there is no-one that would love a slave, and I did not know if I believed him, but he did insist.
I do not know if I should write this. I do not know what to do.
I did cry, and Mister Queen did think that Mister Kent had been hurting me. I told him he had not, and did so until he was convinced. I told him that I am very fond of Mister Kent and he is a very kind man.
My Mistress is here, and so my Master is very happy and has given me very little attention. I am glad of this.
The entries start at the first page of his book, which isn't actually an entry, cuts off a little while after he was allowed to speak again, then picks back up again the day Clark joins Vengeance and ends just after the events of "Again Aboard The Sword of Athena" in the last installment.
The one part that makes me weepy is when he writes about the whore, strangely enough.
This not strictly a part of The Pirates of Vengeance, and if all the gritty details of Wally's enslavement aren't something you like reading, and I can hardly blame you, there's no real need to read this. But if you haven't read that first I can see how this might not make total sense.
Wally's Journal at Sea
~
I will obey.
I will defend my Master's property.
I will not allow my Master's property to be handled without his permission.
I will not lie to my Master, nor seek to undermine his will.
These are the rules I have been given.
~
In my silence, my Master has been good enough to allow me the comfort of writing, and has indeed insisted upon it as a command. I have little understanding of why he finds it a needful thing, but he sees fit to explain very little to me.
Where before my place was as others, a hand to work among the men, my work has much changed. I find that this bondage has, thus far, not been upleasant, though it has been but days. He is particular in matters of dress, of the keeping of his berth, and of the copying and writing of documents and correspondences. These have been my duties, to learn and to perform as best I will.
I no longer find myself in any fear at all, where once I could barely look up to his gaze or rest easily in the night. In this, I must admit that the desire held after my rescue, that I might come to be possessed as a thing to be cared for, has been thusly fulfilled.
Would that I had any honour to defend, I would find myself ashamed. But I am not burdened by the dictates of a man's honour, as I have never been. I find a liberty in this.
~
I was a slave before, and a slave now, and Mister Free has assured me no man will treat me any differently. Despite his words in their honesty, it was only the relation of his own experience that left me to believe this. No man or woman held aboard Vengeance has ever had the misfortune of the articles being violated against their person.
I believe also in his words, as my own experience in my new service has granted me no alteration of my treatment by the men.
I am very grateful for this.
~
My Master has read my few entries at his request, and asked that I continue my marking of notable things along with my past. He has never asked of me what it was that occurred aboard the Black Widow, nor any other detail of my servitude, and I again find this curious, but I will do as best I may.
I do not know my name, nor do I know my age, though I have reckoned I may be older than sixteen and younger than twenty. I do not know if Wally was my given name by my esteemed parents, but it is all I can remember being called, save a man who named me Nico for my time in his service.
My earliest memory is of my esteemed mother, though I do not know where it was. I believe that I may once have been of a family of some means. I do know that I was sent aboard a vessel to go to England and joined my esteemed father there, and that I never arrived.
I have better knowledge of the way of things now, and do understand better what happened than at that time. Our vessel was beset, and I recall death, seeing it for the first time then. It was not pirates, but kidnappers. I do not know what country they came from, only that I could not understand their words, and they had dark faces. I had then believed they were demons, and I remember being very afraid.
Other children from the captured vessel came aboard the slaver's ship, and by grace of Luck, I was not set to join their ranks to be sold. I was kept aboard and did work for them. I remember no more than this. Only the understanding that I was now a servant, and to live I must work and be silent.
My memory becomes more vivid to recall when I was sent aboard another vessel. Perhaps traded or sold, but these matters were not revealed to me. The slavers were not kind, but they also paid me no heed when I was obediant. These men were different. I could understand them, and speak with them. They found this to be disagreeable.
On my first day, I dared to ask one of the men where I was, and when I would be allowed to return home, now that I knew I could be understood. I was taken to a spot in the crew's berth where a blanket had been folded and told that this was now my home. The man then held me down upon it, and gave me my first beating with his belt, and I remember the hate in his eyes.
I find myself unable to continue writing any more today.
~
My Master has again read of my words, and though he made no comment of it to me, he appeared to find it distressing. He is a very fair Master, and I should count myself lucky, and I do. He has asked me to be honest, and said that I will not be punished for anything I write, and so it is now that I express that with my peace of mind comes anger. I recall these things he has asked me to, and along with these memories are of coming to know that there was no hope I would ever return home.
Part of me has grown to hate my Master in his representation of this truth to this very day. I have never liked being told what I might and might not do. But I know that there is nothing he could do to repair that this is my apparent fate, and the rest of me loves him that he would grant me measures of kindness in it.
He allows me to read his many books when I have not been called to some other task, and he has asked if I am comfortable. He gave me a rope bed when he saw I was still resting on the boards, does allow me a spirit ration, and I have never eaten of better food. I am very happy.
I do vow I will obey him, and as such, I will continue my story as best I may.
I believe that this vessel I had come to was a merchant vessel, as I often saw loading and unloading of goods at many ports, but her name is another thing lost to my knowledge. I quickly learned that I would be ignored if I was to not ask the many questions I carried on these matters, as they were more often than not answered by a belt. I was still a boy then, and thought such a beating to be the most terrible thing I could endure, but I do know it is not an uncommon thing to whip disobedient boys. This I was often told.
I was perhaps there a year, and was traded to a privateer out of London that was to seek his fortunes along the Spanish coast. I remember this because I recall my anger at only being worth the price of a chart. I also remember that London, what little I had seen of it, was an amazing place. I had never imagined so many people would be in one place!
It was only later in my life that I came to understand that there was a difference between pirates and privateers, as the crew he assembled was very much like whispered stories of barbarism. They were not kind or gentle men, but they held the honour to each other above all else, as it was all that would keep them in this world in their work.
I saw many horrors aboard that vessel, which I believe was called the Blue Rose, if my memory of this time is correct. None of these horrors, however, were ever visited onto me, as I was the cabin boy, and the men sought to protect me in their plunderous acts.
They taught me how to fight, and although I was a slave and thusly not to be granted any shares of plunder, the men would see I had everything I needed. I was now given the same rations as the ship’s men and I very much enjoyed their company. I belonged to the ship, not to the Captain. This much was made clear to me. Thusly I was defended as strongly as her boards, and it was thought best I be able to aid them in this work by learning to defend myself as well.
I was not able to read, but I had seen the Captain's man Mister Allen did, and it had his own worth of it. He did not fight, and was a cultured man who found the company of the crew disagreeable. In time, he began to call me to his side in battle, and asked me what my thoughts were of it. It had been the first time anyone was interested in what I might have to say or think in my recollection, and I did immediately find myself fond of him.
I believe he was also fond of me. My response to his inquiry was something of finding it a spectacle of the nature of men to be brutal when allowed to unleash it, and that in my experience, humble as it was, all men were capable of it, as all men were also capable of goodness. He told me that it was an insight he did not expect from an illiterate boy, and offered that he might teach me to read and write, which I heartily accepted. I believe it was more a thing to occupy his time than a kindness to me, but I accepted it as such.
The Rose was very successful in her exploits, for some time, and I believe we were at sea there for a few years because I could remember that Mister Allen invited me to a small celebration of his birthday with the Captain three times in a stay at a house along the French coast that belonged to the Captain. These brief stays were the longest time I ever had on land, to this day, perhaps a week at a time.
In time, however, few prizes were found, and the crew sought fortune elsewhere. The Captain decided to sell his ship and cut his losses, and I was sold along with it to merchants carrying silk from the Orient. I believe Mister Allen was unhappy with this, but I would not presume for a man of means to concern himself with a slave. He treated me well, and I am grateful for that.
It is late now, and I have been asked to rise early in the morning.
~
I have been unable to write for some days. I was injured in the defense of Vengeance while set at Happy Harbour; a few men of no ship sought to overcome the small number aboard, and I was forced to defend my Master's cabin and property. I cut down two men before Mister Jones returned to my aid, and it was lucky, as the third had cut me across the arm and I would have surely fallen.
My Master was very pleased with this action, and gifted me with days of rest and a translation of The Odyssey into English he purchased from a bookseller. It is a lovely volume, and I have very much enjoyed the reading of it in my recovery.
~
We have taken aboard a Mister Gardner, and I very much dislike him. The other men have been careful to pay little heed that I have been ordered not to speak, but he finds sport in tormenting me with it. It has been nearly three weeks now, and I became used to silence. He drives me mad with it now.
~
I had forgotten that I must continue with my history, and have been reminded.
I was still aboard the Blue Rose, but now for much less exciting work. Perhaps this is a wrongness to speak, but I would have liked for an attack so I could again hold a sword. But I was, as always, never to be armed, and no circumstances came that would have for some brief allowance of it.
I was still a boy then, but had grown to be taller and had curious growths of hair, and I suppose it was then I was to be looked upon as more than merely the cabin boy. It was now that I was told I could have some appeal of my body. I did not understand this. It was not until I was cornered by the first mate and begged to know what it was he wanted from me that I came to realize I had a useful tool on my hands.
I did not understand, but I allowed him what he wanted, and he returned that by granting me another blanket to make my place more comfortable. When he came again, I asked him to teach me what I would do that could make it easier, as I found it as painful as a lash that first time. The second was much more pleasurable, and I learned that this tool could also be of use to me in being some enjoyable thing when I had nothing.
I learned since then these things would be hideous and sinful, wicked things, and I am a wicked thing for such indulgence of it. But I am slave, and slaves have no pride to defend. I could do as I willed, within the boundaries of my Master's allowances, and could find no judgment in it save the quality of my service. I found this very liberating.
Aboard the Blue Rose, it became known that I had a welcoming bed in return for a gift to add comforts to my sparse life. I did not object to this, as I soon gained many good things. I was allowed a spirit ration, for the first time in my life, and eventually a proper canvas bed. It was some time before I could comfortably sleep in it, so used to rolling about on the boards like an unlashed barrel.
I also gained my first book of my own, a worn Bible, which I read, but was never told that I should believe. It is illegal to own a Christian, and thusly I have been but a wicked heathen, but I have no fear of their Hell. I did not learn much of it until I was grown, and I suppose this is why. I do not know where it is I go when I die, but I would imagine it will be the sea, as I have seen so many men before me go.
~
I have been beaten for fighting with Mister Gardner. I did not speak, as it has now been so long that I have no longer the compulsion at all, so I was spared any further punishment. It hardly is painful now, but a sting that itches and burns maddeningly. I was not beaten with a cat as I have been, nor a cane, but a long curious thing that looked vicious and alive in my Master's hands, and thundered about me before it would strike.
It felt nothing like pains I have suffered, but I am more terrified of it than any before. I have been silent but disobedient, always pushing to find the edges of my freedom, but now I will content myself to obedience. I must find a way. He is fair, but he is very capable of ensuring my behaviour, and I know this more dearly now than I would ever like.
I do not like to think of it, and so I will think back again.
The men of the Blue Rose, especially those few that would indulge themselves in my wicked company, thought it would be marvelous sport to buy me a woman while set in port. She was fair to look upon, but I had little time to see the grace of a woman's presence, and may a poor judge of beauty. Regardless, I did think she was lovely, with curling gold hair and a round face.
I would have preferred that they not find spectacle in it, but even so, it was my time laying with a lady. She was very kind, and saw I did not know what to do with her, showing me pleasantly.
I do not know her name, but I think of her fondly.
~
It has been now a month that I have been in my slavery to my Master the Captain of Vengeance. He told me this today while I was being shown how to properly clean his fine weapons.
We landed today, but I was not allowed to go ashore, and as I am silent, I was not able to beg. I would have. I dearly love the land, for what little time I have spent on a surface that was not rocking about in waves. But I could not say these things, and thusly I raged.
There is no rule that I might not fight against my Master if it has not been ordered I not. I realized this in a opening this book today, and thusly, I fought him.
He won, of course, and chained me to his bed, and had me for his pleasure. It was the first time since my first night as his servant, and it was very pleasant. I hated him in that moment, but he is my Master, and I am slave. I understand it no further than that. It makes it very easy to take pleasure in his own, and I had been longing for such sin again. I know that makes me a wicked thing, but I have no shame in it.
~
I have again forgotten to continue in my recollections, and I will now remedy it, as today there is dead sail, and nothing else to do.
I was sold to another merchant who was a friend of the Rose's Captain and needed a trustworthy valet on short notice. He had no mind that I was unskilled, only that I would obey him, and the Captain assured him I would. I was surprised by this, because I have never been an obedient thing to the degree my owners would have liked. I had no time to even claim my possessions before my new home set sail, and was informed that I was a slave and could own nothing, and thusly I returned to my sparse life.
My new owner was Spanish, and had a curious order that my name was now Nico. I disliked this very much, and he had me beaten when I argued the matter.
Thusly, my name was Nico.
He was a Catholic very devoutly, and was pleased that I could recite verses from the Bible. He would often have me do it as he taught me the duties of a gentleman's manservant, which were very different from the hauling and cleaning I had mostly been doing before. I was not yet fully grown, so I had to stand on a little stool to adjust his hair with powder when he went ashore, or dust his hat, as he was a tall man. This was not the case for much longer, but I did not grow to be as big as other men.
I asked the Captain why this was, and he said that it was likely I hadn't been given enough meat as a boy. I told him this seemed likely, as I mostly had eaten gruel, except when I had served the privateer and often was given mutton.
During this time, I learned to sew finer than most sailors do, how to write letters by his dictation, how to shave, and properly dress a gentleman. After some months at sea he asked me if it was true that some men would take pleasure in their servants to ease the distance from one's wife. I told him that I had been used to that end often, and thusly he began to do so himself.
He made very strange noises when he had me, and I often had to struggle against laughing at him, as he would have been surely angered by it. It was very much as if I was wrestling with some sea-bird, and I am now laughing to think of the faces he would make.
Many of the crewmembers were very jealous that I had been given gifts and privileges by the Captain, despite being only a slave. They were of a great wealth to me, but I often gave them up to avoid their anger. They had no want for books, so those became my more treasured possessions, and the only thing I would ever ask for. One night they came and demanded I give them gold earrings I had been given, and I defended myself against them.
They did not know I could fight, and I did not know if I could remember how, but I did, and I bested them. The Captain was very angry that I had done this, and I was beaten again. It was very bad, and I was unable to work for some time, but I was thenafter given an ample spirit ration by the Captain to ease the pain. He said to me that there was a poison in me because I was just a filthy heathen, and I suppose that may be true.
I like to think that I had a choice in the matter of becoming wicked.
Strangely, the men of the vessel did not treat me as before. I had bested them, and they seemed very happy about it, and they called me by my name, even if it was only a temporary name. They had not before and I liked this. I was never threatened again, and they taught me their dice games. I had nothing to gamble with, but I was told gambling was not allowed on the ship, and they merely used chips of wood for the purpose of sport, which was allowed.
It was a very pleasant time.
~
I was going to fight with Mister Gardner again today, but Mister Free and Mister Jones caught me in their arms and told me that they would not have me beaten again for his sake. I relented, but I am very angry. I have screamed many wordless screams in my anger, and it has now been so long I wonder if I will be slow to remember how to form words again. I suppose I will, it seems now that I have never been able to speak, even though I can recall that I have, and know I am capable of it.
When I am again allowed to speak, the first thing I will do is tell Mister Gardner exactly how I feel about him. They will not be pleasant words, and I look forward to them.
My Master has begun to have me in his bed with some regularity, and I am glad for it. I enjoy it very much, even when he is angry and takes it out with a measure of brutality on me. I will see he has a mind to fight, and fight him, and it will become both conflict and pleasure, and it is not disagreeable.
I am not ashamed in the least to admit I take great pleasure in fighting him.
But I will again return to the past.
I had found my place with the men of the Lamierina, which was my Spanish master's vessel. I once asked him why a Spanish Captain had an English crew, and he told me not to ask him questions anymore, so I never knew.
After the Lamierina, I was sold to the Gray Vandal, a nobleman's vessel that sailed in warm waters. I was surrounded by lovely African girls, but I was not allowed to touch them or speak to them, and I did serve many purposes there. Mostly I cleaned things, and aided in serving guests. It was very dull work, except for the wonderful views I would have of lovely girls and fine ladies, and even for it, I was very happy when we were beset.
Pirates raided, and it was discovered few of the guards aboard had any skill with a blade. I was able to fight again, stealing a weapon from a fallen man and taking great pleasure in my part of repelling the boarders. They had no guns, and seemed a poor lot, and were thusly sent on their way.
I was commended for my act, and I asked if I could be rewarded with my freedom. I was laughed at and chained on the stern. The Captain gave me a bottle of wine, which I drank to drown the sorrow of my place. To fight had heated my blood, and I longed for some kind of liberation from my menial work.
I was not aboard the Vandal long; a Captain Park had been aboard during my escapade, and bought me for a farthing. I believe because I had asked for my freedom, and the men were afraid I would fight to gain it. At that time, I would have.
I was told that freeing slaves was unheard of, especially as I had had no contract to fill, and I am ashamed to admit I wept for it.
~
I have again been prevented from fighting Mister Gardner. He made horrid distasteful remarks to me. I am a slave, but I am not an animal, and I will not be treated as such. Never again. My Master doesn't treat me as one, and if he does not, no-one else has any such right. This I am unwilling to be moved in.
My Master has begun to speak to me for more than mere orders, and I have enjoyed it, even if I cannot reply. I believe I will be allowed to speak soon because of it. He is an amazing man, and I am humbled by him. He speaks to me, I believe, because he knows his words to me will not be repeated, and I do vow I will say nothing I have not been given leave to. I wish to keep this privilege of his words, which are insightful and have taught me much of what it is to captain a vessel, his unhindered opinions on the quality of the men, of history, and of the politics of dry land.
When I am able to speak again, I hope I will be allowed to ask him questions about dry land, for I have many. It has now been two months, according to my Master today, which also makes me hopeful my voice would be granted again, that he has not forgotten I am able to speak.
I would be angry about it, and I have been a great many times, but I remind myself that he is fair. That my words caused death, and thusly have been taken away, and it is a small punishment.
~
I have been putting off any more writing, but I have been urged to continue, and so I will.
I was sold to the Crazy Horse, and I was glad of it. I was allowed to spar with her men, as her Captain was afraid of pirates, and I found my main purpose in being there was to be a weapon. I did not mind this. I felt very powerful and fearsome, and took great pleasure in causing terror in the free men aboard. I hated them because they were free, and being paid, and would be able to leave as they willed. And so I would fight with them, and the Captain encouraged it, so I had my sport in this time.
Her Boatswain was a Catholic, and I told him that I knew Bible verses, remembering what it had gained me with my Spanish master. It worked well again, and he began to seek out my company.
I was not, however, seeking his; I became quickly enamoured with the Captain's daughter, as she came aboard, and she became the center of my little world.
Miss Park was very cultured, but she had been raised in the country, as her mother was of the Orient and uncomfortable in European society. I did not understand what she meant by that, and thusly I did learn about what the wealthy do on land. It was fascinating. It was also the reason she would ever speak to me, I was told later by the Captain her father. That she did not know any better.
I was advised against so much contact with her, even though the thought of sin with her was unimaginable. She was pure and chaste and I would have no part of any alteration of it. The Captain did not believe me, because I was a slave and a heathen, and thus he said I could only be full of lies. He was my master then, and so I had to obey him, or be punished. Often I chose to disobey and be lashed, but I thought my small rebellions worth it to the easing of my mind.
Even for my disobedience, I had far fewer times we would speak. And so I began to grow closer to the Boatswain. In time, I told him that I had been a lustful thing, and had grown to the appeal of other men in my earlier years. I will admit that I fully intended it to be a seduction, as I longed to read again and prove that I still could to myself, and he had books. I did not understand that he might lend them without some service to him.
I knew very little about the way of things, I do understand that now.
For exactly one month, the Boatswain and I were lovers, and I taught him how to sin pleasantly. We were often in the poor-smelling hold, but I did not mind. I enjoyed this very much, as I have always enjoyed my wickedness. But not so much as the rare moments of Miss Park's company.
After that time, however, the Boatswain told me that he wanted nothing more of my sin, and that he was deeply ashamed. I told him I was sorry, even though I had no same understanding of those things, and fully admitted to him that I was a wicked creature. I had thought that would be the end of the matter.
I would write no more tonight.
~
Mister Gardner is locked in the hold. Unfortunately, it is within earshot of the place I have been allowed to call my own, and I must listen mutely to his protestation. I cannot sleep for it, and I am very tempted to beat him over the head until he is silent. But I have been ordered that I should not touch him, and so I listen and can do nothing.
It is his own doing. He tried to hit my Master in a drunken state, and I have been made very aware that I am the only soul aboard that is allowed to do such things without swift reprisal. I find this a curious state of things, but I have no quarrel with it.
He has said to me that Mister Gardner will be hanged, if that is the crew's will. I hate him, but I have no desire for him to die. If I were allowed to vote in their deciding of such matters, I would find myself forced to ask for leniency.
Even if, at this very moment, he is now explaining to me that my mother was a pig, and thusly did a stupid animal come out. He knows that makes me angrier than anything, and I am red with my anger. But I would not have him die for my anger, nobody else will ever do that. I will die first.
I do not understand why he treats me so. I have seen that he is not an evil man.
~
My Master is very distressed by the matter of Mister Gardner, although he is very careful to hide it in the presence of anyone else. It is now often he acts as if I am not even in the room, even if I have been ordered to be there by him and he will later call on me for some task. He will ignore me for his obvious distressed thinking, leave me in a chain so that I have no thoughts of going anywhere, and then command me to his pleasure. He did this many times in these past days.
I have never had a Master such as he, and I find there are many times that I am thankful for his mercy, even if I now long to speak again, and I am angry that I cannot.
~
The crew has decided that Mister Gardner will be stripped of all his earnings from plunder, and be set ashore at Happy Harbour to find some other vessel to sail upon. We are now on our way there, and I greatly hope that I will be able to see Mister Garrick again.
My Master was very annoyed that I have not continued with my story, and I suppose I must.
I had been enjoying my time aboard the Crazy Horse very much, sparring and aiding the steward's cleaning during the day, and finding sport at night. It was discovered I was fleet of foot, and the men would often try to outrun me. They all failed, and I was very proud of it.
The Boatswain was torn by his sin with me, however, and I believe his faith had begun worrying a hole in his mind. He began to hate me, and was the most spiteful of me aboard. Which was a thing to say, as even when I found some measure of place with the men, I was always a slave, and it was always remembered. They knew they had no fears from jibing words to me, or sport at my expense, but these were things I could fight against, and fighting always made my burdens easier. I was never punished for that by the Captain, and there was often a man or two aboard wearing bruises I had given them.
I am attempting to draw myself away from the subject and hand, and that is a cowardly thing, and so I must remember.
I found myself accused of attempting to tarnish Miss Park's chastity, and was beaten with the cat before the men. I had never been whipped so much as then and it was terrible. I was then thrown into the hole, and I was not fed. It was much worse than the beating had been, and I found myself quite unable to stay awake for very long.
I have been beaten many times, and I have always deserved them, and so they were easy to take. All but once before, when I had not yet grown to understand I was a slave. I do not think I had deserved that, either. I am very angry to remember these things.
I never saw Miss Park again. I did not spend much more time there, as I was given away to a slave ship.
That was a very terrible time, and I do not have any wish to write on it.
~
Mister Gardner is gone now.
And I have been given fine clothes! I have never worn such things, and I had no recognition of my own reflection. I have grown strong again, and I am kept very clean because my Master wishes it, and he shares his fine meals with me. It has made look very strange to my own eyes in this silk and cotton, but not unpleasantly. I look upon myself and am proud of what I see and it is a marvel. I do not think I ever have before when it was not in celebration of some victory in conflict.
I was often told that I was appealing to look upon, but I have never believed it before this day.
I am to go ashore with him presently, and serve him in his business. I am wearing a locked collar with his standard on it, so that I might not run or be able to hide from being drawn back to him here if I did, but I have no desire to run. I will never be able to escape what I have done, and so running would be futile.
~
I had no time for writing in our week at the Harbour, and spent it all ashore. My Master had a fine room that I was allowed to sleep in at the foot of his bed, which was larger than jollyboat! Perhaps not. But I have never seen such things! It has become clear to me that my Master is the richest man I have ever heard of, and I wonder if he is a king. I will have to ask when I am allowed to speak again.
He spent a great deal of time merely in conference with other captains. I have been repeatedly assured to be a trusted servant, and so I hear many things. But I have been told that I must not write them down. But I have never been so trusted, and it is well.
My fine clothes were taken away the moment we came aboard. I was at first very disappointed, but then I realized my poor rags were far more practical for the heat of the Indies, and now I do not mind.
~
My Master has said that I need not write much of my time aboard the Black Widow, but he would know what it is they did to me. I will answer as best I can.
They did not use me sexually, a thing of which I am eternally grateful, for all of it. I would hate to think my one source of reliable enjoyment would be taken away by such memories. I have heard of it happening to other men on ships. But I have never allowed myself to be unwilling. I do remember feeling very helpless and being afraid of this.
They would beat me with their belts like a boy, because it would not be so quick to draw blood, and they could do it for longer, and more frequently. At first, they would tie me to the mast on a tether, so that I might run about it, and chase me about with their slave whips. But I had been given very little to eat, and I was very weak, and it was not long before I could not run and would merely fall on the deck and deprive them of their sport. So they chained me in a cabin and would often visit to beat me in anger. And I stayed there like that until I was rescued.
That is all I would say.
~
My Master has been too busy to pay me any attention, and I wonder again if he has forgotten I know how to speak. I want to cry with my frustration, but when I try to get his attention he becomes vexed, and there is nothing I can do. I do not want to be beaten again, and I do not want to make him angry. I enjoy fighting him, but I do not enjoy those things.
I have been allowed to join in the raids, and I have been allowed to spar with other men when they ask me. My Master has been teaching me to better myself with a blade, and has told me that I am an excellent swordsman. It is the only kind word he's ever given me, and I have been shamefully proud of myself for it.
~
Five of the men have died of fever! The crew is beset by fear of it, and times are very bad. More are ill, too many to launch into battle, and so we've taken no prizes.
I am very glad my Master is a wealthy man. I have no fear that I will be sold, because I have heard too many of my Master's secrets. That I would be able to write of them! I had no idea he was such a man, and I am often in great awe of all he commands and knows.
~
I am allowed to speak!
In the previous days, two more men died, but the rest became well, and we have set about to finding some prize to appease the anxious crew. He took this writing and had read my words on the events of the Black Widow, and then told me I was again allowed to talk so that he might ask me questions.
I am overcome with joy, and my throat is sore for all the talking and shouting I have done this day. Many of the crew found this to be amusing, and some had no knowledge I could speak at all and were very surprised!
He asked me very strange questions. What my dreams are like at night, if I knew the names of any of my past owners aside what I have written, and if I had ever been permanently marked as a slave. He has asked that I now include my dreams in this writing, and I told him that I have not recalled my dreams for some time, beyond that they are unpleasant. That I did not know any of their names, and that I have never been branded or tattooed. He has seen my body, and I asked him why this was not apparent to him, and he did tell me that I heal remarkably well, and he has seen such marks vanish from being seen for what they are. I asked him much about this, until he became weary of my curiosity in the matter of scars.
He then asked me if I would like to be tattooed, and has told me of an artist aboard the Emerald Flame that would do me justice. I believe that was a compliment, and I took it as such. I have already been pierced in my ears and on my chest, from the jewelry I was given years before, and he has given me more. I told him I would very much like to be tattooed, and this is true.
I think that he may be doing this as a kindness, but I am unsure. Perhaps he wants his slave to be decorative, as I often seem to be used in the privacy of his berth. I do not think I mind, if that is true. I have grown to like the idea of my own beauty, as I have seen myself become since in my Master's service. I have become very proud.
I also was able to ask him if he was a king. He said he was not, but I am not allowed to write of who he is here. He thought my question was very amusing, and did laugh before he answered me. I am very glad that he did, and it gives me hope that he will not take my voice away again. We did talk for many hours, and he answered every question I did ask.
It has left me very tired, and I was at first disappointed he did not desire my company, but now I am thankful to be allowed to sleep.
~
Very strange things! We had sailed to the north, and were in port in New York, and my Master did take me ashore and have my image taken in my fine clothes. I do not understand, and he is unwilling to explain this.
I saw fine ladies and cobbled streets and many lovely buildings while ashore. We are presently staying at a marvelous suite of rooms, and I am again amazed by his wealth. I believe he could buy anything! I do not usually bring my books with me when we go ashore, but this time he has asked me to. I believe we will be here for some time, and the crew is very happy here, so it is well.
~
My Master has taken me to see a play! I have read them, but I have never seen actors in their costumes playing them on a painted stage, and I found it very amusing. I do not remember what it was called, but I did laugh often, and I believe he enjoyed it, too.
A Mister Pennyworth has joined us. He is a surgeon and has been a solider and is very cultured. My Master is trying to convince him to join our crew, and I do hope he will agree. I have learned many amazing things about my Master from their conversations, but I have been told I might not write them down.
~
I have been hoping that the mystery of my image being taken would be explained, but my Master received a message today, and thusly we have left New York and are sailing home. The crew is anxious to take a prize and I am anxious to fight. I have never liked to be idle.
Mister Pennyworth has now joined the ship, and brought his many books with him. I have asked him if I might read them, and he has said I may, and I do very much like him.
~
I have seen a marvelous sight!
My Master has many allies, and I have learned of another, a princess and a warrior at once! She came aboard from her lovely vessel of lady pirates, and was very beautiful. I found myself quite unable to speak in her presence, and was very glad that it was not needful as they were both very taken on matters I cannot write on in their delicacy.
She treats me as one would a child, but I have no quarrel to it. I have never been so fondly treated, and can only smile to think on it. My Master has explained to me in her lands it the way of things, men would be deferent to women, and receive such affection in return. I find this quite amazing, and I would ask more on it, but I believe it would be unwise.
~
My Master has read again of this writing, and has told me he would never punish me for asking questions, on the understanding that he will merely ignore them if he has no wish to answer them. I find this both a good thing, and rather maddening.
I do not like being ignored.
~
Jumping forward about two years...
~
We have taken aboard a very strange man! He has dark hair and I think he is very impressive. He is a forced man to my Master's service, and I do not know what he will do here. He is a Navy man, and I think he will be quite unwilling to serve pirates.
My Mistress has gone home again, and I do hope we will visit her there during this season. I find her home very pleasant.
~
Very strange things! My Master has had the forced man lay with me against his will. I do not understand this. It was not unpleasant though I found it difficult. He did threaten to kill me again, but I do not think he would have. I like to believe I have become useful to him, and he would not be able to afford to.
I did ask him why he had done this, and he told me that Navy men must be dealt with like beasts. I do not think the man is a beast, and I did tell my Master this, but I do not think he spends much time on my words.
We are soon to set port at Happy Harbour, and I am very glad. It has been promised that I will be given another tattoo, and I am very glad of it.
~
The forced man's name is Mister Kent and I like him very much. I have offered that he might stay with me in my little home, and he has. It has been very enjoyable.
I do not think he understands what slaves are.
~
I have fought with my Master over the matter of my tattoo. We did not stay at the Harbour and I did not meet with Mister Rayner. It was a foolish thing, but it did anger me. I have become very proud and I am very foolish. We fought, and he had me for his pleasure, and I did lose my anger in it.
~
We have put ashore to hull Vengeance, and I find these tropical islands very nice. I am able to do as I will most of the day, as my Master is concerned with matters of great delicacy. I did ask my Master if it was a violation of my rules that I might kiss Mister Kent, as I have never before found the compulsion when I have not been set to my Master's pleasure. I am a wicked thing, and I suppose this is why. He has told me that I may, but that is all. He did laugh when he said this, and I felt very foolish, but I am very glad of it just the same.
~
We have taken a slave ship, and I was glad to fight her crew and be some part of freeing her captives.
Mister Kent did ask me to speak of my history, and another time I did tell it. I find myself very fond of him and I believe he is fond of me. I also believe he found my story distressing. I did tell him that it would only be some other way if not like this, and I do hope he is not burdened by it. I do not understand why he has such concern for a slave, but I have no quarrel with his affections.
~
I have been set to Mister Kent's pleasure, and it was very pleasant. I am glad that he was willing and still wanting to be in my wicked company, as he is a very noble man. He tells me that he only wishes that I serve his pleasure when I want it. I do not think he understands that I am a wicked thing and I always do.
I have very strange feelings when I look upon Mister Kent.
My Master has told me that we will be serving matters of great delicacy, and then we will be joining my Mistress! I am very glad.
~
My Master has read of this writing for the first time in quite a long while, and he seems to find my words amusing. I do not understand this. I asked him, and he ignored me, so I fought him and he had me for his pleasure.
We are going ashore to Santiago, and I have been told I will be allowed to fight. I am very glad, and I look forward to it. My Master will be handling matters of great delicacy and I will be served to this purpose. I look forward to this as well.
~
Very amazing things!
I did fight and did win, and was wounded in this. I spent much of my time ashore sleeping with laudanum, but I was tired, and I did not find this disagreeable. We served our matters of delicacy as well, and as we prepared to depart, we were beset!
Mister Kent's Captain did come with his men, and they did attack us. My Master and Mister Kent and Mister Free did keep the men away and I was able to fight as well. It was very exciting and I very much enjoyed it. I did believe that we would die, but we were rescued, and we did destroy my Master's house as we escaped.
Mister Kent is very burdened by these things, and it is a burden to me because of it. I do not understand this. But I am fond of him, and would like him to be happy. I believe I adore him. We are soon to my Mistress and her lands, and thusly I am very happy.
~
Mister Kent has said he loves me! I do not understand this! I do know that I have loved him, but there is no-one that would love a slave, and I did not know if I believed him, but he did insist.
I do not know if I should write this. I do not know what to do.
I did cry, and Mister Queen did think that Mister Kent had been hurting me. I told him he had not, and did so until he was convinced. I told him that I am very fond of Mister Kent and he is a very kind man.
My Mistress is here, and so my Master is very happy and has given me very little attention. I am glad of this.
no subject
on 2007-02-11 12:55 am (UTC)It's not exactly what I wanted to say so I'll try very hard to be eloquent, although it never seems to work for me. ;)
I really like the nitty gritty stuff. I always think its better to include it because real life is full of the stuff. I adore the fic itself, your style of writing has always captured my attention. I can only say that I loved this and its only made me appreciate the actual story more. The fic just seems to be the started point for this universe that you have created and made so believable. The tone of this was just so perfect, carried on from the work you have already done. The writing style just seemed so write, I didn't question it was. The only thought I had on it was 'Yes that's /exactly/ how Wally would write.'
The tale itself is so utterly heartbreaking. There are very few people who can go through so much and yet still mange to across so innocent at times. He makes me laugh, he makes me angry and God knows I've gone through boxes of tissues over this because its brought me to tears several times.
I realise that none of this probably made any sense. It's probably not a good idea to review anything after a few drinks but I felt I had to try and say something. Id only for my brain which has melted through the sheer appreciation it has for your work.
So goodnight and thank you for a truly incredible read. xXx
no subject
on 2007-02-12 09:17 pm (UTC)One thing that struck me when I was writing this was Wally's sense of wonder at suddenly being exposed to things that he'd never been able to experience. So many things that were just never explained to him.
Wally's ability to have that occasional sense of innocence about him is one of my favourite things about him, I have to say.
This universe has definitely turned into a monster, haha, yes. I've just fallen hopelessly in love with it.
no subject
on 2007-02-15 04:41 am (UTC)Damn, Shae, the diary is awesome! I was so taken by it, by Wally's inhability to speak, the way his silence wore him down.. and the peak at all the crew through his eyes, the Vengance is truly an awesome ship. The way you use the lenguage, it fits the story so well -I know nothing bu 18th century english, of course, so I have no idea how it would sound, but it just fits my mental image of them so well.
I love the bit about Wally getting a tattoo and learning to appreciate his own beauty. The details of his growing up -and Captain Park! and Linda! and arg, his rationalizations about him being wicked and accepting it as it is.. oh, dear. He really does tear your heart out, it's not fair, and he doesn't quite.. care. His fight with Guy! eeep! and being beaten about it! (what was it that Blackheart used, btw? I didn't know...)
I got teary eyed with the last entries, once Clark is around. The last one, oy. I love your Ollie, did you know that? I can just see him about to beat the crap out of Clark for hurting Wally. Rawr! And that Bruce is very happy because Diana is around makes my heart flutter. I love this, yay! I'm so happy you decided to tackle the side stories, more pirates for me!!
no subject
on 2007-02-15 04:54 pm (UTC)The language really aided me in being able to make this very... understated, if you know what I mean. The way people wrote and talked back then lends itself really well to that.
it's not fair, and he doesn't quite.. care.
You can only be told something so many times before you start to believe it. But he doesn't really believe its wrong... he just kind of accepted it, you know?
what was it that Blackheart used, btw? I didn't know...
A Catwoman-style bullwhip. Mostly just sound and looking nasty, so he could punish him for fighting with crewmembers (which he would have had to do even if Wally was a free man, because that was totally not kosher on ships generally) but he wouldn't have to actually beat him beat him, if you know what I mean.
The last one, oy.
My poor Wally. Ollie and Clark actually had a conversation about it in a chunk I edited out of the chapter I'm working on to that effect, but I decided I wanted it to be more of a background thing. You know, they're all family. :)
I love that Clark has never read this, so he still thinks Wally being all crazy was mostly an act. XD