shankie | The Sex Lives of Superheroes

I'm not sure where this came from. I was in the middle of something else and it just happened. No beta or logic here. Completely implausible crack.

The Sex Lives of Superheroes

DCAU. After the League's conflict with Cadmus, Maxwell Lord is hired to restore their image in the public eye. Along with some good public relations, he convinces the Council that what they need is a high-profile book that can appeal to the human side of the seven founding members; and hires Lois Lane to write a book about their sex lives.

R. References to multiple slash & het pairings and various sex acts, but nothing explicit, it's almost entirely dialogue. Pairings listed at the end.
3k+ words

The Bad Idea

"This is the worst idea I've ever heard."

"Even worse than..."

"Yes."

"Or that one time..."

"Yes, Wally."

"Or..?"

Bruce sighed and stormed out of the room, leaving Clark and Wally looking at each other. Clark shrugged.

"Did you really expect him to be happy about it? He'd rather be an urban legend, hates the press."

"This isn't exactly the press."

"No, it's worse."

"Is it really such a good idea for your girlfriend to be doing it?"

"Lord insisted. Her reputation and experience covering me will add to the impact in public opinion, I agree with him."

They were silent for a moment, as Wally scratched his head through the cowl, then snickered.

"Covering you."

Clark raised an eyebrow and Wally tried to wipe the grin off his face, but ended up just contorting his lips oddly, then coughed and changed the subject.

"What they should really do is talk to Nightwing, I mean, he's got enough to fill ten books, and that's just the chicks."

"He's not a member of the League," Clark said, then frowned. "Wally, you never..." Clark gave him a worriedly curious look, and Wally's eyes went wide.

"Oh Hell-no. I mean, Bats is like, his dad. That would just be weird." He paused, and Clark looked momentarily relieved. "Of course, that doesn't mean I haven't checked out the goods."

"You don't say."

"It's bad enough that we can never use the word "dick" in a sexual context." Wally shook his head, "I mean, I did once by accident, man. Might as well have dumped a bucket of ice water over his head. Went out and beat the crap out of purse-snatchers for hours."

They fell into silence again, until Wally piped up again.

"Dick does have a really nice ass."

"We are so not having this conversation."

For Great Justice

The League council sat around the table uncomfortably. Shayera was actually rubbing her fingers together tensely, and even Bruce looked off-put.

"You know, he's still waiting outside," Diana said, "and despite my misgivings, I believe that this could be very good for us in light of recent events."

"And it's not like people don't already write about us having sex with each other already," Wally added. The rest of them looked at him incredulously. "What? It's called the Internet."

With that, everyone looked back at the table.

"I think that this should be left up to those of us without secret identities," Clark finally said. "Diana? Shayera? GL?"

"I say we do it," Shayera said. "We're public figures, it's not so uncommon for such interviews to be done, as far as I've seen of your culture."

"I agree," Diana added.

John grunted noncommittally.

"So it's decided?" Clark asked.

"Apparently," Bruce replied, sounding less than pleased.

"Alright, then."

Clark got up and opened the door, allowing Max to saunter in the room with a shit-eating grin and an unlit cigar rolling in his fingers, his shoes clicking on the metal floor and the cut of his blue suit jacket pushed back with one hand on his waist. Clark sat back down, and Max stood at the head of the table, gesturing with the cigar.

"So, what's the word? Are you in?"

"Yes," Clark said with resignation.

"Fantastic! You won't regret this, what you people need is a good distraction, a good personally-oriented campaign, and this is just the ticket."

"We're very interested in putting some polish on our image, that's why we've agreed," Clark replied, and gave Bruce a stern look when he snorted.

"Everything's set up for next Tuesday at my New York office, one on ones." He grinned even wider and smoothed his brown hair a bit. "Don't you worry, after this, nobody is going to be thinking about your bad press."

"Great," John said sarcastically, "I can't wait."

J'onn looked like he was tempted to go back to Mars.

Superman

Clark sat down on the blue sofa, folding his hands in his lap and giving a warm smile over the desk.

"Hello, Lois."

"Superman," she said wryly, jotting a note on the pad of paper in front of her. "I think there's a few things we can skip over, such as a certain relationship with a certain Amazon, so we don't keep them waiting."

Clark blushed and nodded.

"So how about we start with your teammates. Just how common is sexual activity in the League, that you've seen?"

He coughed and took a deep breath.

"Well, we do have a very high-stress occupation, and it's one way that some members have found to deal with the tension."

"Some?"

"Well... most." He paused. "Alright, all of them."

She smirked and jotted that down.

"Could you be more specific?"

He shifted in his seat and began rubbing his thumbs together.

"Uh, well... When the League first formed, just the seven of us, it was just flirting, mostly."

"Mostly?"

"Er, uh, well, Green Lantern and Hawkgirl were always very... close. When they weren't trying to kill each other."

"A very antagonistic pairing, so to speak."

"And not the only one."

"Oh?"

"Yes, Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl have also had... that kind of relationship."

Lois raised an eyebrow.

"Is that so."

"Well.... yes."

"A sexual relationship?"

"Not at first. But they've had a tendency to solve their conflicts rather creatively."

Lois jotted down some more notes, and Clark bit his lip when she wasn't looking.

"And the other three?"

Clark looked at her for a moment and didn't say anything.

"Both J'onn and Batman don't appear to be likely to be flirtatious, but I've met the Flash." She smirked as she said Batman's name, and quickly tried to hide it behind a more professional expression.

He nodded slowly.

"Yes, the Flash is very... flirtatious."

"And is that all?"

Clark snorted.

"No. I think of anyone in the League, he's the most... active. Or at least, he was."

"Was?"

"He's, uh, since become more monogamous, but it took a few years."

"I see. With a member of the League?"

Clark licked his lips nervously.

"I'd be more specific, but I think that could be hazardous to my well-being."

Her eyes went a little wide with realization and the professionalism slipped for a moment.

"You're kidding!" she said unbelievingly, "no way."

"You're the one who dated him."

"Cheap shot."

Batman

Lois sighed, leaning on her hand, giving Bruce a look of exasperation.

"Generally, an interview consists of the interviewer asking questions, and the interviewee responding, as I'm sure you well know."

Bruce folded his arms over his chest and continued standing in front of the couch silently.

"Perhaps the question's too difficult?" She said a little tersely, "I could give you an easier one."

"....."

She tapped the pad of paper with the end of her pen.

"You all agreed to this."

"Fine," he replied icily.

"It's about time." Lois prepped the pen over the blank page hastily. "Do you now, or have you ever, had a sexual relationship with another member of the League?"

"Yes."

"Could you be more specific?"

"No."

Wonder Woman

"It's wonderful to see you again, Lois," Diana said, walking in with her hands behind her back and a smile lighting in her eyes. "It's been too long."

"Yes, it has."

Lois returned the smile and gestured for her to sit, which she did, much as Clark had, but without the tense lines in her frame.

"I'll begin with the obvious; have you had sexual relationships within the League?"

"Yes," she said with a nod, "in Themysciran culture, it's very common, and encouraged, for warriors to release aggression and tension through intimacy."

"I see. Anyone in particular?"

"Hawkgirl and I have found it the best way to maintain a civil rapport, despite our... differences," she said, with a trace of frustration flickering through the statement. "I've had a similar relationship Huntress in her initial introduction to the League, as well as a less... different relationship with Black Canary on a few occasions. But she and I have been... close since before her membership."

"Did that have any impact on her joining, to your knowledge?"

"Oh, no, she is very much her own woman, and our relationship doesn't extend past occasional companionship."

"I can't help but notice those two are both vigilantes that operate out of Gotham City. Is that a coincidence?"

Diana paused, and looked tensely thoughtful.

"There is a certain... appeal to citizens of that city."

"There certainly is," Lois said quietly, looking down at her pad of paper. "Are all your relationships with other League members... are they just with other women?"

"For the most part. Batman and I slept with each other once, but it didn't end well."

"What do you mean?"

"We'd been sparring, and it became... sexual, on the way back to Earth. I believe because I'd bested him once again."

"Oh?"

"He doesn't take defeat very well, and I made the mistake of teasing him about it. Fortunately, I'm capable of flight."

"What does..?"

"We were in the Batwing at the time."

"He pushed you out of a plane while it was in the air?"

"To be fair, I should have seen it coming. He'd put his safety harness back on without redressing, immediately after I'd mentioned that I'd been intimate with the Flash and Superman on previous occasions. I believe it was a mistake to draw a comparison."

Lois stared for a moment, then found the composure to shut her mouth.

Green Lantern

"Well, Mr. Stewart, you and J'onn are the only members that haven't yet come up in previous interviews, so my first question is, why is that?"

"That a fact?" He rubbed his ring a bit and looked vaguely amused. "I'm not quite as close to other members of the League, in that sense, as... some people."

"But you have had relationships?"

"We all have. It's hard to meet people outside of the League, especially lately. I'm not just the Lantern representative for Earth, but of the entire sector, so I don't have a whole lotta free time for that sort of thing."

"Is that common in the League?"

"Definitely. Some of us, with separate civilian lives, just have too much on their plates, but we spend a lot of time with each other."

"Are they usually open about it?"

"It's hard to hide a whole hell of a lot up there."

Lois nodded as she looked down at the notes she was writing.

"Who have you been intimate with?"

"Right now I'm with Vixen, have been for a while. And before that..." he looked briefly grim. "I was with Shayera, Hawkgirl."

"What happened between you and Hawkgirl?"

"The Thanagarian invasion," John replied shortly, to which Lois got an almost apologetic look.

Almost.

Martian Manhunter

"Miss Lane," J'onn said pleasantly as he sat down.

"Good to see you, J'onn."

"I must begin by clarifying something, in the interests of answering your questions within their proper context."

"Of course, please." She gestured with her pen and smiled.

"For Martians, relationships you would call sexual are not... done in the same manner, although I've taken various human personas with some partners."

"How so?"

"With another Martian, we would... blend. A literal union of two becoming one. And while humans do not have the same capabilities, I've had the pleasure of reproducing the sensations for both of us."

"Fascinating," she said, visibly intrigued. "How does that work?"

"I am able to... mesh with another, mentally and physically. A shared experience in the truest sense, on the molecular level."

"So... you actually go into their body?"

"Yes."

"How many times have you done this?"

"A few times, with two individuals in particular."

"Who?"

"Batman and the Flash."

"Oh."

She dropped her pen and it rolled across the desk, clattering to the floor and coming to a stop by J'onn's foot. He picked it up, and graciously handed it to her.

"Thank you."

"Have I made you uncomfortable?"

"Oh, oh, no, just a bit surprised," she said. "How did the it start, in both cases?"

"I'd explained the process to the Flash, and he repeatedly expressed genuine interest in the experience. It was very... different."

"Different?"

"His body's unique vibrational nature and rapid processes were quite... overwhelming. Pleasantly so, once I'd become used to it, and he was able to provide a great comfort. His mind is very open and heartening to experience in that way."

"I... see. And Batman?"

"Happened later on. A particularly difficult period for the League, immediately following our first breakup of the group. The Flash suggested that if Batman and I were to overcome our mutual distrust held at the time, the League as a whole would benefit."

"This was back when it was just the seven of you, right?"

"Yes. The group dynamic was much more... intense. I had reservations. My experiences of his mind were... troubling. Flash offered to serve as a counterweight, being rather insistent it would be the solution."

"You had a threesome?"

"You could call it that. Batman and I never were so intimate again, but I believe that was the start to their own relationship."

"Oh. So, how does that work?"

"What, specifically?"

Lois went back over her notes for a moment, with a stunned look on her face.

"Nothing, nevermind."

The Flash

"Man, what is it with you reporters and always checking me out? Like what you see?" Wally winked suggestively and leaned a little closer on the arm of the couch.

"I take it you've been intimate with a few people in the League."

"Kinda. I just kept asking and kept getting yes." He shrugged. "I mean, no harm in asking, right? And if they say yes, well, there you go! I mean, I like people. You know, a lot. And not people. Well, aliens are people, too. Especially J'onn. You talked to J'onn, right?"

"Yes."

"So you know about that already, that's good, yeah. He was pretty great, I mean, I've never felt so close to anybody before that, you know? That whole meldy-thing? Man, that was great. I miss him sometimes, you know, even if we're still friends, and we work together again, you know. But he's married now. Did he tell you he was married?"

"Yes, it came up..."

"Yeah, she's awful nice. His wife. She cooked for us, and it was totally great. She was really understanding. Well, we didn't talk about Bats, because, well, we just didn't, you know? Oh, hey, what did he say?"

"Not much, really."

"Yeah, he's like that. I know about, that thing, you know, with you guys. He told me about it once, like, a while back, when you were on TV for some reason. I forget now, but I remember it was right after I'd met this other reporter, Linda, and you kinda reminded me of her. We slept together, too, but she was mostly into the hero thing, you know, costumes? So we didn't see each other much, that gets old, I mean, I always do that. Even if you're not usually on TV, because you write for the Daily Planet, you still have that kinda vibe. I like your work."

"Thank you. Can I ask a question now?"

"Didn't you already?"

"I was going to."

"Sorry."

"It's... fine." She shook her head and chuckled a little. "You've had a few relationships outside of the council members, could you tell me something about those?"

"I wouldn't really call them relationships. I care about them and everything, because I care about everyone, even if we haven't slept together. That isn't like, the big thing to me, I'm not all weird and nepotistic about it, you know? I don't want to come off like that. But yeah, I have, really. I mean, there was a few times before the League expansion with those guys, and we all got really close, and afterwards, I guess it was kinda intimidating. I never really talked to anyone. And then, oh man.... Fire, you know Fire? I finally talked to her, really talked to her, and we hit it off, and that started. After that, I felt more comfortable around other guys, and got a little more confidant, and I just started going for it."

"So, how many other people?"

"What, you need me to count? Oh, well, there was Supergirl a couple times, we almost had, you know, a relationship, but it didn't work out. And then Booster Gold, and Zatanna... Well, you get the idea." Wally scratched his head through the cowl. "I'm not like that anymore."

"What changed?"

"I grew up. I found... something better."

"Do you ever miss that?"

Wally shifted a little in the seat.

"They didn't tell you, did they?"

"Tell me what?"

"I'm not really surprised..."

"Flash, what were you going to say?"

She leaned forward on the desk, curiously.

"About our weekly orgy," he said quickly, then shut his mouth and looked worried. Lois looked a bit more stunned. "Seriously. Ever since the first time we all met, once a week, orgy, us seven. I do it because I like sex. They do it because they're crazy."

"And they didn't mention this.. why?"

Wally shrugged.

"I guess it doesn't count."

Hawkgirl

"Is it true that the seven founding members of the Justice League have group sex on a regular basis? Where even Superman is involved?" Lois said a little more cooly than she apparently intended, as she leaned back and tried to look neutral afterwards.

Shayera looked less than neutral. Her face flashed with fury and she leapt up, brandishing her mace.

"Why... THAT LITTLE SHIT!"

Lois stood up as Shayera flew towards the door, smashing it open with a fierce cry.

"WALLY!"

"Uh-oh." Wally was standing, leaning against the wall talking to Bruce, and instantly froze. "Uh... Shayera... What's the big deal?" He relaxed visibly and held his hands up. "I mean, didn't everyone say they'd talked about everything else?"

Bruce stood up quickly and held a hand up in front of Shayera, and she came to a quick stop, still seething.

"He's right, Hawkgirl."

"Nobody knew! And he told her!"

"It doesn't matter," Bruce said evenly.

"Doesn't matter!?"

"No."

She stopped, pulling back.

"Why doesn't it matter?"

"Because we're the Justice League."

Shayera looked at him narrowly, then shrugged.

"Yeah. I guess we are, aren't we?"

Group Dynamics

"But seriously, it's not that big a deal! You're all just in denial." Wally turned slightly from his seat piloting the Javelin, shaking his head incredulously.

"Denial, Wally? We didn't think we'd have to tell you not to talk about that!" Shayera said, far from letting the issue drop if her glare was any indication.

"I thought it would be best not to mention it, once she took certain details rather poorly," J'onn added.

"Dude, you guys always act like it never happens, and I thought that was pretty weird, but I didn't think it wasn't actually considered real!"

"It is what it is, and what it isn't is an issue, we... It's different," Clark said, looking out the window, looking a bit miffed. "Way to go, Wally. Now she's furious at me, and I think we might be done this time."

"Over one fight?"

Clark laughed.

"Right. One fight."

"Well... it is that time again," Wally said, with a smile growing on his face.

Everyone looked at each other for a moment, and shrugged.

"Council chambers?" Bruce asked.

"Sounds good to me," they replied in unison.

"And Clark?" Diana said, looking at him evenly.

"Yes?"

"Could you pay attention to someone besides Bruce for a change?"

"I don't..."

"Actually, you kinda do," Wally said, raising an eyebrow.

Everyone nodded their assent, and Bruce smirked.

Conclusions

"I can't write this," Lois said, slamming her notes on Max Lord's desk, "do you have any idea what it is they do up there? This isn't going to even sound real!'

"Lois, Lois," Max got up and put a hand on her shoulder, which she shook off, "Max is here, telling you, that it's going to be fantastic. This is the reveal of a century, just think! When you're finished..."

Lois just shook her head and left her notes on the desk.

"That's it, I quit!"

Pairings: Vixen/Green Lantern, Hawkgirl/Green Lantern, Hawkgirl/Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman/Huntress, Wonder Woman/Black Canary, Wonder Woman/Batman, Wonder Woman/Flash, Batman/Lois Lane, Superman/Lois Lane, Superman/Wonder Woman, J'onn/Flash, J'onn/Batman/Flash, Batman/Flash, Flash/Linda Park, Flash/Fire, Flash/Supergirl, Flash/Booster Gold, Flash/Zatanna, Flash/others (implied), Superman/Batman/Flash/Wonder Woman/Hawkgirl/Green Lantern/J'onn

I apologize, really, I do. But now there's better editing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Posted by

ilyena_sylph

....your crackfic terrifies me beyond belief, but damn this was funny!

Posted by

The Sex Lives of Superheroes

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